I'm Back!

Hey loves! I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted to my blog or youtube channel. I spent some time disconnected from my personal social networking, thought about my blog occasionally but never took the time to post. However, recently, I've been inspired to return and now here I am. AH, so much to catch everyone up on (that is, if there's still readers out there... hey y'all!). But instead of doing that all that chitter chat, I'll just blog what's most recent and relevant..

Ok so,

I'm a year away from my degree.. a degree that took 2 major-changes to finally settle into. My mindset and outlook on life has taken a complete 180. I've never felt so happy in my 2 decades on earth. I've been designing clothes. Yes literally I've started creating something! And it's the most rewarding, relaxing, and exciting thing I've done yet.

I know it's hard to tell by the above photos (clearly I was attempting to channel my inner model or something), but I'm seriously bursting with joy over the fact that I made the 3 pieces featured in the photos. Not only that, I created a formal gown a few weeks ago. See below.

So now that I have you all somewhat caught up. Let's get to the good stuff. I've made an asymmetrical skater dress (with exposed-back detail), halter top (american apparel inspired), and athletic shorts (aka biker shorts). Photos are below...

What I like most about this growing ability to sew is the chance to express myself in a different medium. I don't want to get too deep here, but it's so exciting to show all sides of myself through something that I manually create. All of the garments above demonstrate a piece of me... the elegant side, the edgy side, the daring side. They're all part of me. I'm growing more comfortable with that everyday.

xo, Courtney.

On Staying Motivated

To my left, there's four college textbooks stacked high. Behind it, a Patternmaking for Fashion Design: 4th Edition. To my right, a clock ... and it's late. Behind me, new clothes straight from China (possibly poor quality), a sewing machine, and a picture of me graduating pre-school.

Now, what does all this have to do with staying motivated? Here's the thing. Right now I should be studying. I should be reading a chapter, learning the necessary facts to pass my test tomorrow, or something. Instead, I'm too busy day dreaming because I'd rather be right here typing away my thoughts. Shall we begin....

Gosh I can't tell you how often the importance of college is reiterated to me. "Without a degree I won't get far" .... "Those skills you're learning will be useful later" ... "Everybody needs to have a degree to get a job" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH YADDA YADDA BLAH.

*deep sigh* I'm so fed up with this crap. I don't know, maybe this is just that 3rd-year-in-college itch most of us feel, that feeling of wanting to just drop it all and go pursue 'my dream' ... right? I have not a clue. All I know is that in the last week, I have said the phrase "college is so inconvenient" at least 6 times. But nevermind my depressing rant, lol. This post is actually about something.

After getting off the phone and having an eye opening conversation with my momma, I've realized several things:
(1) dammit, i need to stop throwing this pity party.
(2) basically every other college student will be dead broke after graduation too.
(3) I need to stop wasting time complaining, and start doing something about it.

My biggest struggle since starting college has been committing to getting involved in an organization. Freshmen year I didn't see it as a big deal, I just viewed it as a way people make friends. So I would attend a meeting here and there, only to later gave it up, and then find other personal hobbies instead ... aha. Moving on ... I am now (in my junior year) realizing the true significance of joining an organization. It's not about the people you meet, although that is nice, but it's about the experience you have.

Now if you rewind a couple of posts, then you know for a fact that I associate with the "socially awkward" title. But something my mom made me realize was that the socially awkward are often the most original-minded people, AND that I am only as socially awkward as I think I am. If for one second I would stop spending time thinking about it, then I could let the real me show through... including my beautiful awkwardness and all.

So what stops me from being motivated? what stops me from joining an organization? my issue is my doubt. I don't ever want to be viewed as inadequate. Which is so strange because in privacy I am so confident in my abilities. I outline plans, come up with concepts, brainstorm and create ideas. But, In crowds, I speak up only when I am absolutely, 100% sure that my idea will be accepted.

"Success is all in the risk" ... I just came up with that myself, by the way.
Perhaps thats the key... i need to be willing to take the risk. I need to be willing to feel uncomfortable. I have to work myself out of this shell and into the vast ocean (using sea analogies here because my zodiac is Cancer) because the experiences out there are endless.

I don't want to be afraid to do what I want anymore. I am confident...

videos i've been loving

Sooo, first off.. something has got me hooked on house music. but furthermore.. this video has such a beautiful message: If you ever feel outcasted or like you don't fit in... go where you belong.



Tips for grinding and getting what you want in life, advice straight from the pros. #BeShameless



And if you're looking to laugh until your stomach hurts ... meet Alphacat

Miley Cyrus in review :: shakes head ::

Watch this first ..

Okay, so there's about a billion and one things i could say about this video. But let's keep it simple... Miley made quite a decent song here, a good song actually. Problem is... her emotional and mental troubles that she's dealing with are beginning to affect her career. --- simply but, the chick is trippin and soon its gonna start messing with her money.

Who takes a "heartbreak" song, and then ruins it with gaudy sexploitation? How badly do you need people to think you're sexy. We get it miley, you're struggling with something. But dang girl, you're handling it all wrong.

Girls out there that are possibly reading this, let me just say.. I do not think Miley Cyrus is a bad person, (woman, girl or whatever) at all. Like many young women, she's dealing with something that she's too embarrassed to talk about. If there's any advice I can give from her situation, it's don't let anyone change you. Stay true to yourself even during the toughest times. Allowing obstacles to overcome you can be deadly. In Miley's case, her obstacle is killing her career.

Socially Awkward

Yep here's another thought-filled post. 

It's funny how I can express the things I'm thinking better in writing than in speaking. But anywayyy, college is back in session and I'm already starting to experience a bit of social anxiety.

I honestly have not the slightest clue why.. Well.. Yeah I do know why. I just don't wanna write it. my problem is that I tend to over evaluate EVERY SITUATION EVER . Can u imagine how annoying that can get for my brain?

Like for real, I'm constantly thinking about thinking. And worrying about what others are thinking and worrying about. Who the heck does that ?! I'm not normal, I've come to realize that, but boy do I fake it well. 

"Fake." The word I despise most and yet I can be an active version of it. not to say I'm the type to talk about someone the moment they turn around. That has never been me. But I do put on a facade, like play a role or whatever. But I'm working on it, tryna show people the real Courtney. 

I must say I really enjoy having this blog. It's almost like I can come here and express a real version of me. Like the piece of me people don't see when I smile and say hey. To those who read it, I appreciate u more than anything. Because even thought you'll probably never say it to me .. You now know just a little bit more about me. 

It's time for me to speak some real ...

Why do I put up with unnecessary people in my life?

and why do I allow sour emotions to overcome me?

and why do I settle for less than I deserve?

These questions constantly rattle me. And it's time I answered them.

Long answer short, because I equate my worth with the wrong f*cking things. Excuse my french but i just need to get a few things off my chest.

Okay, so where can I begin ... first question

Why do I put up with unnecessary people in my life?

Ha, well in all honesty it's because like most people in their youth, I require attention and approval. I suppose that I have yet to reach a point in my life where people's opinions of me JUST DONT MATTER. And i can say "I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK" a thousand times over, rehearse it in the mirror and all ... but when I wake up in the morning, I don't get dressed for myself ... NO, I get dressed for y'all suckas. (not to say yall are really suckas, lol). "Dress to impress" they say ... "always dress for your worst enemy" they say. Great advice, until I realized that my choices are guided by forces other than my own opinion! I allow negative opinions and thoughts from others to motivate me toward greatness, but that's a weak force, Because it's unreliable and makes me too d*mn emotional. Maaaan ... "so you're telling me im insecure?" ... wow, can't remember how many times I've confided in others for the answer to that question. But I don't believe insecurity is the word. Yeah somedays I'm down and feel like people "just don't get me" ... but isn't that what makes individuality so great? So, the point is.. that I allow the wrong type of people around me because to me that means that in someway they accept me, weirdness.. craziness.. awkwardness included. 

But the real questions to ask are what kind of person am I? What kind of people should be around me?

Why do I allow sour emotions to overcome me?

Hmm, maybe its just my nature. Maybe you're not big on zodiac signs but I kinda am .. and well i'm a cancer and I'm also a female. These two characteristics make for one shaky being. The problem isn't the emotions, its the fact that negative emotions take over because I let my strength down in certain situations, specifically when experiencing envy and lust. Those two are tough ones because they become so easy to feed into. I allow my heart to speak before my mind, which can be really risky because thinking critically is very crucial in this world today... One wrong turn can take your life. I'm going off on a tangent here, but anyway.. I'm basically tryna say that I'm an emotional person. Most people can't stand it, but whatever. That's how I think and deal with situations, through emotion... and while i AM a very logical person, I have to admit that my emotions are intense, sometimes they're too ridiculous for me, lol. But I'm working on it, I'm building strength in other places and learning to be guided by thought and emotion .. not just one or the other.

Why do I settle for less than I deserve?

I suppose this question is strictly based around knowing and understanding my worth.
still figuring that one out. 

OOTD | The Birthday

Soo today was my 20th birthday. I spent this past weekend with family, but today was all for myself. I had plans to do things w friends, but nothing ever goes as planned. So i celebrated by spoiling myself: spa day then shopping. Surprisingly it turned out okay, I got some new stuff and I can catch up with the homies later this week.

Feels good to complete my second decade on this earth. Now, I'm in the 10 year stride toward 30. Wow, with that said ... Soo many goals and so little time. But i realized today that if I want to achieve anything or be successful in any way, i CAN NOT wait on anyone. I have to go out and get it on my own, find my own success and pursue my own happiness. That's the way of life.

Outfit

Dress: Tobi.com

Necklace: from a music festival years ago

Earrings: Forever21

Shoes: Target

Shop for even less !

Recently I was shopping around on Romwe and being the frugal fashionista I am, I headed straight for the cyber sales racks. There I found sooo many cute things, but more specifically, stumbled across many pieces I've seen before and for even cheaper than Romwe's listed prices.

Exact same items for even cheaper than the sale prices! Can you believe it?

Well you should because I'm here to share with you.

(1) Floral Frayed Sweater

Romwe: $56.99 on sale for $38.99

Ebay: $9.88 + $4.98 (shipping)

(2) Gorilla Face Dress

Romwe: $41.99 on sale for $34.99

Ebay: $26.99

(3) Galaxy Tights

Romwe: $27.99

Ebay: $9.90

(4) Classic Blazer

Romwe: $47.99 on sale for $28.99

Ebay: $15.99 + $5.00 (shipping)

So many people are hesitant to shop from Ebay. I've heard the "ew isn't it all used" remark and "i'm not sure how to use it" response too. Well I'm not gonna sit here and do Ebay 101, if you're interested you'll figure it out (like i did :]) but keep in mind that not everything on there is used. In fact the majority of items are brand new. They tend to be mass produced/wholesale items. Many of your favorite online boutiques probably source from these international (usually China/Australia) distributors. I just cut the middle man and go directly to Ebay, pay cheaper prices, and get exactly what I still wanted ... usually. I hope this inspires you to get out and look. Remember that there's always a lot of other options out there. 

Happy Shopping <3

FEAR

those four little letters can be so intimidating.

How do we conquer fear? Eliminating fear is a simple task if for one second we could stop being so afraid to do it. To face our fears head-on means going to some dirty and ugly places. Places we're absolutely terrified of. Places we'd rather hide or run from. Places we'd rather die before visiting (... yeah that was a little dark, i apologize).

Running --- literally means to move quickly, and figuratively means to move quickly away.
I've been running for years. So afraid to admit everything I am ashamed of, so afraid to admit all the wrong I've done, all the hurt I've caused, so afraid to forgive those who hurt me. So afraid to just take responsibility for my life.

How sad huh? It's true tho.
but I'm human, ok. So yes there's alot I fear. A lot of things that make life so ... scary.
But what I can say.. the advice I am trying to share tonight is don't be afraid anymore. Even though I have off days when my mood will be down, I constantly remind myself that fear is very easy to eliminate - and the more i believe it the more true it becomes.

I have a poster in my room. It says DEALING WITH IT and has ten steps to get over what ever it is holding you back from your life. and it reads...

1) Tell the Truth

Well that's nice, but how many of us really can say we always tell the truth? If I said telling the truth is easy, I'd be lying. Sometimes it's just easier to lie.

2) Face life openly

Whatever you avoid will imprison you. Be willing to try new things and open up even when you least expect it. amazing things happen when you never expect them to.

3) Say what you mean, feel, believe

This plays into being honest. Don't hold back. Be true to you and your thoughts. No matter how crazy or ridiculous they may seem. That's YOU isn't it?

4) Accept yourself as you are

We are made on purpose. never forget that.

5) Accept others the way they are

Careful when you begin to judge others (i'm guilty too). Because as harshly as we judge others will be as harshly as we will be judged.

6) Know and accept your weaknesses

This is a tough one for me. Admitting where I lack... i don't know, maybe it's pride or something. but i need to become more in-tune with my weaknesses for sure.

7) Stop trying to prove yourself

I love this one. we seek the acceptance of others and it's also what kills us. I once read that those who follow the crowd often get lost in it. go back to number 4..  we have to know who we are.

8) Let go of the past

PREACH. can't tell you how long I have meditated on this one. I mean seriously. prayers, therapy, books, I've done it all and I still struggle with it. But slowly I am releasing myself from the past every day.

9) Give up false expectations

in every situation we should remind ourselves: expectations VS reality. don't set yourself up for failure, realize when things are either too good to be true and/or too bad to be bothered with. Know what's in your reach and what isn't. To the ambitious ones like myself, recognize when your ambitions become pure fantasy.

10) Take responsibility for your life and how it turned out so far.

What you are willing to take responsibility for will free you. I have to remind myself that we are all humans and we all make mistakes. we all fall short and we all have to learn how to pick ourselves back up. When i struggle, I always find a safe place with my Mother. She knows more than me and always knows how to realign me. I thank God for her every waking moment.


Ok, i've released my thoughts for tonight.
Love,
Courtney

And while we're on the love topic ...

This video has a deeper meaning than the fact that Macklemore supports same-sex marriage. I'm truly analyzing this video, trying to understand his messages (I'll have to get back to y'all with my findings). But on other parts.. he does address spirituality and rules made by society. While it may come uncomfortable to some it does have real meaning behind it.

Furthermore, yes, I am a Christian. But understanding this is something I'm truly working on. I have homosexual loved ones so it's really difficult for me to .. y'know understand the Bible's stance on this.

That crazy thing ...

Isn't it funny how humans can deny the existence of any event or circumstance? More specifically ... isn't is strange how easily we can lie to ourselves? Denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms we use. And we use it everyday.

Today I saw someone I used to love. And with a head nod and a peace sign we acknowledged a memory we once shared. As quickly as the memory came, it left. And in an instant, our pasts passed each other. Nothing else said, no emotions exchanged. Nothing. Not even a smile.

Isn't that little love thing crazy. To know at one point your soul can be so intertwined with someone and at another point ... the two of you are strangers. To be able to deny that something ever existed between the two of you. Because somehow, you've become two very different people than who you used to be.

That's life, I suppose. We change and mature and understand things our minds couldn't comprehend before. But with this new knowledge comes an understanding. With other recent events, I now understand that people change. I used to deny it ... but people really, REALLY do change.

But if there's any advice to come out of this: it's that people come in your life for a reason and a season. That's something my mom always says, and it's true. Once you understand that everybody that you meet in life is not there to stay, then it's much easier to deal with losses, and breakups, and bad friendships. Accept that these things HAPPEN, and they happen often. Keep moving on... :)

Luxe Mode Fashion Style Off

In only a week or so I'll be competing for a cash prize. With nerves building, I've been working diligently on completing my looks and making sure I represent myself.

Being the super complicated girl I am I have been struggling with defining my style. Mostly because it varies so much, I feel like a style chameleon. Strangely though, one day I began asking myself why do I love this piece of clothing? Why did that accessory catch my eye over the others? I then would describe the item to myself and slowly I noticed a recurring theme.

A fusion of classic and edgy- the only way to describe me. This contrast represents Courtney more than anything because I swear I have multiple sides. While my personality fluctuates between timidly shy to outgoing, so does my style. When I wake up in the morning, the clothes I choose to wear are completely based on the answer to this question: which Courtney am I today?

OOTD | be a go getter ..

Think about what you want most out of life .. then ask yourself, have I achieved it yet? If the answer is no, ask yourself what am I doing to get closer to it? The answer to these questions are directly related to satisfying yourself and seeking happiness.

Today I stepped out in a camo tee (urban outfitters), colored pants (burlington), and black booties (Shoeland, local store). I accessorized with my faux rocco bag (Alexander Wang inspired, Ebay) and light jewelry.

Where was I going? to my first ever casting call. one that could potentially open up an amazing networking opportunity, which in turn could open up chances for me to explore my true dream .. to be a fashion stylist. 

You have to realize that many opportunities come rarely, so when one approaches you, acknowledge that this could be the chance you have been waiting for. Don't let insecurities cloud your judgement. Take the world head on because many life changing events happen ONCE in a lifetime.